So this week, a virus hit our family again. The girls were struck with relatively high fevers for a few days each, with Annabella following about 24 hours behind Lillian. They both pretty much slept all day on Monday.
Last night, our neighborhood lost power from around midnight through about 3:30 am. We usually have fans on for a little bit of white noise for sleeping, so Jason and I abruptly woke up around midnight and so did Annabella (just to figure out what was going on and then went right back to sleep). We frantically searched the App store on each of our phones for the best white noise app--who knew there were hundreds! We finally settled on one (it was actually "brown" noise, whatever that is) and were able to fall asleep without too much trouble. The house didn't get too cold, we all like it a little bit cooler to sleep anyway.
My thoughts wandered to the people we serve daily at work. Some of them have children and haven't had their gas turned on since before the summer. Some are elderly on a fixed income who can't make it by. I think about those who having no heat or electricity in this climate (in the dead of winter!) and deal with it daily, not just as a minor inconvenience in the middle of the night.
You know, I go back and forth between heartache and anger. My heart aches for those (especially the children!) who are struggling. Those who don't know any better or different. I am angry for those who do know better and are trying to get something for nothing. I think about what they are teaching their children and how those children are innocent and the future of all of us. I feel despair when I think about everything that needs to change with our system to pull 'everyone' out of poverty.
I feel thankful for all of the stuff and things I have and wonder if I should be thankful for stuff and things. I just get caught up and overwhelmed with the suffering and the struggle of so many. I think about what it was like to struggle. To not be able to make ends meet. I think about everything in my life that led to that happening and it wasn't just one thing, it was a complex adding up of lots of patterns and flat out bad decisions.
And I think about even though it wasn't just one thing, it was nothing compared to what some people deal with daily. How do we expect people to be "successful" when they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like? When they have an untreated addiction? When they are broken after so much time of being in the depths of despair? When they (or someone they live with) has a mental illness? When they've never been told they can be successful? When they feel as though they never have or never will be successful? When, even though they've been forgiven for something(s) they've done, they don't know how to forgive themselves? When they feel alone? When lies seem like the truth? When they have been so lost they don't even know what found might look like anymore?
Throughout my journey, I have known a peace that passes understanding. I am thankful for the people that showed me what God's love looks like in practice. I am thankful for the Word. I have clung to it so hard and now I have His truths written on my heart. I have known both Grace and Mercy and I endeavor to live these to others as well.
I sometimes feel so helpless with all of the wrong in the world. Whenever I feel myself saddening, I think on the hymn lyrics "This is my Father's world, oh let me ne'er forget. Though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet." Sometimes I have to repeat this over and over again depending on how many headlines I have read that day!
And then I think what can I do to make heaven crash into Earth today? Where can I show someone mercy? How can I, in my own small, simple way show Christ's love to someone?
So, this has been a pretty stream-of-consciousness post and I applaud you if you have stuck it out this far! I intended to just write a quick blurb to add to later in the week, but I guess that just wasn't meant to be. I don't have answers or resolutions for all of it. This song has really been tugging at me this week. Hope you enjoy, too!
~Jamie
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